Behold, the Dog

Seems like every year you can find a new crop of amazing gadgets to choose from: devices to entertain, to aid in our quest for fitness, gadgets that watch over our homes and those that just generally weird us out. And, as the age of Robot Butler grows ever closer, it’s easy to believe this technology solves all our problems and makes the world a better place. It doesn’t.

There is an affordable technology within reach of nearly every household. Technology 30,000 years in the making. Behold, the dog.

Emma, Queen of Kind. She has never had a mean thought about anyone. Well, except the mailman. And that plumber. But her instincts are probobaly right.

The dog is alarm clock, home security device, therapist and health coach.

Forget Fitbit. Counting your steps and monitoring your heartbeat is for sissys. The dog is personal trainer–motivating you to get out in the fresh air daily to walk or run. Dogs will lower your blood pressure and cholesterol, while elevating levels of serotonin and dopamine. There’s even evidence dogs can detect cancer and children raised in a household with dogs are less likely to have allergies over their lifetimes.

Dogs can provide 24-hour a day surveillance and protection of your property. Homes with dogs are less likely to be burglarized.

The dog that ruined Christmas

Look, I know I complained when mine ate the Christmas ornaments two years ago and then followed up with the shit/chew combo on my son’s mattress. But she never deleted 4,000 music tracks off my mp3 player for no reason. So forget the devices, the gadgets, the latest trending brand and get a dog. You don’t need no pedigree.

Still not convinced? Look, Time magazine put out a list of top ten gadgets for 2014. So let’s compare some of your options this holiday season:

10. Ring Video Doorbell: When someone rings your bell, you can see who it is on your phone. Look, dogs have been providing full service home security since 28,000 BC. Doorbell. Pfft. Give me a break. Dogs will alert you when a creepy guy walks slow past your house. Can the Ring Video Doorbell do that? I didn’t think so.

9. iPad Air: Did I mention my dog never ate 4,000 MP3s? Nuff said.

8. Jawbone UP3: Fancy fitness wristband. But can it lower your blood pressure? Asked and answered.

7. Mophie Space Pack: adds 64 GB data to your iPhone 5. Okay, yes, I just bought it. Shut up. Move along.

6. HERO4 GoPro: video camera for ideal for an active lifestyle. Actually I’m not going to touch this one either, it’d be a great accessory for you and your DOG. Put it on your dog!

5. iPhone 6 Plus: No. Just no.

4. Oculus Rift Development Kit 2: Virtual reality simulator. Real reality is better—when you have a DOG.

3. DJI Phantom Vision+: a remote-control helicopter spy cam. C’mon. Instead of spying on your hot neighbor, save yourself $1,100 and get a dog. Playing Frisbee at the park with your dog has been attracting the opposite sex for as long as there have been Frisbees. Hell, dogs were bringing people together long before Frisbees. Get thee a leash and directions to a park. You’ll see.

2. SmartThings starter kit: The age of the Jetsons has arrived. It will have hot coffee waiting in the morning, turn on your crockpot and lock the doors. And while it can tell you when your kids get home, can it play with them? Not even.

1. Apple Watch: The dream of the wrist computer realized. But do you really need to spend more of your life hunched in front of a computer screen? The dog offers smiles, fresh air, home security and unconditional love. Top that, Apple.

So, if you have 5-15 years of space and time in your life, make this holiday better for you and a shelter mutt. Available in sizes, shapes and colors to suit any fashion sense. Visit your local shelter today.