I’m a Dog’s Ass and Other Things my Phone Thinks

My phone hates me. Or maybe it’s not hate so much as sneering disrespect.

IMG_1476Case in point: I manage my calendar on my phone. That’s the wonderful thing with smartphones: everyone trots around with their own personal assistant at the ready. Start my coffee! Turn up the heat! Add four boxes Barefoot wine to the grocery list!

It’s really astounding if you think about it. So there I was, putting my week together  and on Tuesdays I take my dog to agility class. So I said: “Emma dog class”

I’m a dog’s ass

Seriously? I repeat it three times. Each time, my phone smirks back at me: I’m a dog’s ass.

Do I argue with that?

I walk a lot. Gets the wheels turning when I’m writing and part of the appeal of my particular phone was the thought that I could march along and dictate all my profound musings as they occurred to me. Because God forbid I have a deep thought that isn’t saved for posterity.

But my phone is a churlish, inattentive, gum-chewing idiot.

Consider this mystifying entry from my notes:

Voted up for good measure. And it stays that way.

Or this:

Feel the shiver's ink to the base of yours. Bye.

Or this:

Sleep frayed at both ends.

Well I actually sort of like that last one.

But it’s 2015. Haven’t we perfected this technology by now? Maybe it’s me. Maybe after all these years I haven’t mastered the English language. And there are those that read my blog that might argue such. Or maybe my phone thinks I sound like I have a dog’s ass squished against my face. Who knows. But the whole thing is a daily source of frustration.

Play music: the Handsome Family.

Which member of your family do you want to call?

OH MY GOD. It’s moments like this I feel like such a dog’s ass.

What does your phone think of you?


  1. Oh god. This is hilarious. Great post, as always.
    I used to wonder at Star Trek when the computer was so erudite and friendly.
    Can you imagine Siri on Star Trek? “Siri, send a message to Star Fleet. The Romulans have breached the Neutral Zone.”
    “Searching for foot massage in Phoenix, Arizona.”
    (the Enterprise is destroyed)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Spot on–that is exactly how it would play out.


  2. Changing jobs I brought with me some tools that worked well. I had to prepare a lot of written reports and had come from an agency that employed very efficient typists (no word processors back then) that prepared our reports from dictation on cassette tapes. They were great and rarely did we have to correct either spelling or punctuation.

    Alas, the new job staff was not up to speed. I rattled off a dictation and several days later got back a VERY rough draft: ” …the witness comma Mr. S-M-I-T-H comma (I always spelled names but expected them to come back Smith) would call the assigned if any new information became available period paragraph”


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! That’s funny. I suppose it could be worse: “The witness Comma Esemiteeatch-Comma….” You’d have a heck of a time tracking that guy down.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The staffer was a nice person but obviously encourged some of us to do our own typing.

        I discovered a computer system in boxes in the storage room. No one in our unit had a clue how to set it up. It was a first generation desktop but had a simple word processing program. Had to boot it up using two five inch floppys. We have come a long way since then.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Two steps forward, one step back. Or, as Siri would say, “Flu saps bluebirds on crack.”

        Liked by 2 people

  3. So entertaining! I’m trying to figure out why my Windows phone calendar isn’t talking to my desktop Outlook calendar. The more we get, the more we want.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t that the truth! This is nothing like they promised us on The Jetsons.


      1. I’d love to be Judy Jetson…walk into a booth and stroll out looking fabulous! For my calendar problem, I think I can download the Hotmail Connector, but I’m scared to death that I’ll lose my email entirely… such a chicken!

        Liked by 1 person

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