Tag Archives: writing

The Next Morning, The Beast Was Still There

March 11, 2012

“I was thinking we could just call it good, I wrote your story,” I said. 1,100 words — a short story. It wasn’t bad… still it was a relief to have it done.

He made a gurgling, phlegmy sound which might have been a laugh. “We haven’t even gotten started, sweetheart,” he said.

I did not have to take this — this was my house, my mind, and I would write what I wanted to — I had to draw the line somewhere. “Look, I don’t write that kind of crap. I’m doing Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows. Get out of my house.”

“No,” he said and narrowed his eyes at me. “I’m not leaving until you write me.”

“But… no one is going to like me.”

“Not my problem. Your job is to write me. We’re wasting time.”

His feet were propped on the coffee table and as I tried to shove them off I saw the pile of glitter. Pink glitter. “What did you do to Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows?” I hadn’t seen my old book since the day he showed up.

“Haven’t seen her,” he said and patted his stomach.

$#!+

This was ten days ago and The Beast has since grown to a timeline, a plot outline, pages and pages of character worksheets and 8,000 words of manuscript. I’m hoping if I do as he says, we can get this over with.

The Beast

March 8, 2012

I have a new WIP – aka Work In Progress. It is not the book I carefully plotted and planned to write.

img_9579.jpgThis book is a beast that shoved my planned book aside … or possibly ate it. I’m not sure.

When I woke up, it was sitting in my family room, smoking a cigarette and tapping ashes on the carpet.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I’m your new book,” the Beast said.

“We don’t smoke in the house.”

He exhaled a thick cloud at me. I looked him up and down — the bad skin, the folds of flesh, the greasy hair. He burped or maybe farted, I wasn’t sure which.

“You’re hideous,” I said.

He grinned, revealing a mouthful of jagged yellow teeth. “You’re stalling. Get busy. I’ve got alot to say.”

I shook my head. Maybe he would settle for a short story. I sat down and began to take dictation.

To be continued…

The Beast is Born

March 8, 2012

Who is The Beast?

The Beast is my WIP – Work in Progress. There are no actual beasts in my book – only metaphorical ones –  but I call him (yes, he’s a him) The Beast because… well, because he is one.

Gary Busey 2007The Beast looks like a cross between Jabba The Hutt and Gary Busey. I mean no offense to Gary Busey — that is The Beast’s most charming aspect. He showed up one morning, quite uninvited — The Beast did, not Gary Busey.

I suspect he murdered the book I planned to write. He leaves ambiguous stains on the carpet, picks his nose, makes me late for work and makes rude appearances when I’m in the shower or on family outings.

It’s my plan, and my fervent wish, to finish this book as soon as possible in order to evict The Beast.

The Care and Feeding of the Human Soul

March 4, 2012

pedicure

What is this?

If you said the cosmetological equivalent of my novel… well you might be right, but that it wasn’t what I was going for. No, it’s the creative expression of a four-year-old girl rendered on her mother’s foot. I think it’s lovely.

Consider this little snippet of computer code that replaced two files and 1000+ lines:

C#.net code snippet demonstrating reflection

Or what about the deep beauty of a perfectly polished black car?

Audi A5 cabrioletWhat do these things have in common? Creative expression, food for the soul.

What do you do?

Do you cook with abandon or sketch patterns in the margins of your paper during meetings? Maybe you snowboard with singular grace or stitch heaven to earth when you dance. When you put your fingertips to the keyboard do clocks hush to listen? Are you one of those people that can pair an old oversized t-shirt with a vintage jacket and turn heads when you walk in a room? Maybe you make cakes or take pictures, or you can nail the opening chords of Blackbird.

Whatever it is you do that feeds your soul, I hope you find the time to do it today.

How to become a published fiction author

February 29, 2012

Many people would have you think that becoming a successful published author is difficult. In truth, it’s easy and if you follow these simple steps, you may soon find yourself at the top of the bestseller list.

Monkey typing

1. Read a lot. Reading is critical. You should read both books in your chosen genre as well as books that can help you improve your craft. Try to read at least three books a day.

2. Write, revise, repeat. Writing is a skill and just like any other skill, you must practice. Set goals for yourself. Start with 10,000 words a day on your manuscript and work up from there. Depending on how fast you can type, this should take less than three hours. Then, do writing exercises for an additional couple of hours to hone your craft.

3. Promote yourself. Start a blog. Create a website. You should also be reading books on internet marketing and effective use of social media. Devise a comprehensive self-marketing strategy and plan on spending at least six hours a day promoting yourself.

4. Take time to learn and hone your abilities. Take classes and join a critique group or two. Four classes or sessions a day should be sufficient. Try to bring homemade treats to each meeting to share with your fellow participants.

5. Make writing a priority. If you have work, kids, social life or hobbies, you must remember what’s important and put your writing first. Of course, sometimes it’s impossible to avoid distractions, but use them to advance your goals. For example, if your house is on fire, your first priority should be to get out. However, while you’re waiting for the firefighters, use the opportunity to write down your observations. Fictionalizing real events is a wonderful way to add dimension to your work.

6. Research. Well-written fiction demands research – so whether your characters are skydiving or street luging, take the time to become intimately acquainted with these things. Better yet, experience them yourself. Spend three or four days a week doing this.

7. Get recognized for your work. Find, research and enter writing contests. You should try to enter only those contests you will win. Plan to enter and win five to seven a week.

8. Meticulously research literary agents, their preferences and submission guidelines. Set aside several hours a day to target appropriate agents for your work and draft query letters.

9. Be well balanced. You can’t let your life revolve around writing. The best writers fill their lives with other interests. Learn Russian, perfect origami, master calligraphy. Get some physical activity while you’re at it, you can’t be a lump sitting at a desk all the time. Consider doing marathons or endurance swimming.

10. Get plenty of rest. You can’t write if you’re all tired and stressed out, now can you?

As you do these things, keep in mind that if you aren’t willing to invest this degree of effort, you must not want it enough. Best of luck in your publishing endeavors!

One Hundred Opening Lines

February 23, 2012

What’s the best opening line you ever heard? For me it was in New Orleans. I was standing at a stoplight in the French Quarter with two girlfriends when a young man weaved his way in our direction. He was probably ten years too young for me, daddy-long-leg proportions, sporting baggy pants with a good five inches of underwear sticking out the top. A dozen or more strands of oversized beads hung around his neck.

The guy stopped, turned and favored me with a once-over so comic it was like a scene from Roger Rabbit. I waited for what he might say only because the whole venture seemed so improbable. I was not disappointed.

“If I be yo bread, will you be my buttah?”

I was speechless, not just at the words but at his vast, swaggering optimism. As if nerdish professional tourist moms often jumped at the opportunity to bed underweight hip-hop wannabes who lived in their cars.

I never found out what else he had to say. My friend grabbed my elbow and steered me across the street, perhaps concerned that I was considering the proposition, which of course, I wasn’t.

But my point is, he had my attention. I couldn’t wait to see what he was going to say next. There I was, head cocked to the side like a dog hearing a high-pitched sound, jaw gaping. I wasn’t going anywhere; this was going to be good.

And so it is, or should be, with your opening line for your book. That is my challenge for the day – for myself – and you too, if you’re up for it: write one hundred opening lines. Heck, you can write one or a hundred, but if you’re game, post your favorite in the comments.

Something brilliant is bound to turn up, right? Maybe not as good as “If I be yo bread will you be my buttah” but you never know.

Three kinds of literary agents

February 9, 2012

Querytracker, for those who don’t know, is a website where writers can peruse data on query submissions. By studying the data for any given agent, you can get a sense of when and if you’ll hear back. It’s ideal for the obsessive.

I haven’t been at this long. I’ve only sent out a few queries, and given my talent for inappropriateness, that’s probably for the best. However, in that time, I’ve noticed three kinds of agents:

The Mysterious: Like cryptic deep-water creatures, they might not stir for weeks or months. No rejections, no requests for manuscripts … silent dead calm. Suddenly – they break the surface and take a full manuscript in their jaws. Turns out they were listening all along. They just didn’t like you.

The Methodical: When they are prowling their query boxes, you can tell – you tremble as if a giant roamed the streets. They’re systematic, reliable. Rejections pop up for writers who submitted the same day as you – now it’s a matter of time. Better check your inbox again.

The Madcap: Random and enigmatic – some writers get rejections within hours. Meanwhile, others sit for days … maybe forever. Did the agent get your query? Did your letter pass the assistant’s scrutiny and get lost on the agent’s desk? Did some clever hacker intercept your email due to the subversive nature of your book? You don’t know. Crickets chirping in your inbox … did their reply get lost in cyberspace? Oh, the agony.

Are there more? Feel free to share…

I Opened With Poop

February 5, 2012

I can’t believe I opened with poop. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

Okay, so when you’re an aspiring author, here’s what you do – you write a query letter and in that letter you put forth your very best face. You don’t send a manuscript – well depending on the agent maybe the first 5-10 pages, but your query letter can make or break you.

And let’s be honest, it’s not even your whole letter: You’ve got maybe ten seconds, if you’re lucky, to capture the attention of the prospective agent. Show them your mad skilz as it were. Represent.

So what do I do? Well of course, I open with poop. In my defense, the agent in question mentioned poop in a recent blog post, so I was trying to be relevant.  And since my book opens with a flabby expanse of a man’s backside, maybe it’s only appropriate.

I can hardly wait to see what I do for my next trick.